Too Spoopy

Too Spoopy


  • Tag Archives The Host
  • RUINATION: The X-Files Episode “The Host”

    Howdy, and welcome to a brand new series of posts that are…well, I don’t know what the hell to call them. SPOILER ALERT: Every Ruination will contain spoilers. It will also contain various other strange-ness that vomits forth from my bizarre brain waves. Think MST3K, but by me, the ADD Horror fan extraordinaire. Essentially, I take notes during whatever I’m going to be ruining; they are whatever pops into my head. Half of the comments I wrote most likely don’t even make sense. Good. This is the ultimate in nonsensical. If you want, you can watch the episode, so you know what the hell I’m talking about. Remember, these are actual notes, but there is very little scene description. I’ll try to fill in the blanks where necessary. This is an experiment, which may fail. Let us begin…THE RUINATION.

    We start in the Atlantic Ocean, two miles off the coast of New Jersey. So, already off to a great fucking start. And now, we are in a submarine that must be owned by Argento. This sub is haunted, yo!
    Oh, what the fuck, who clogged the toilet again?
    Awful lot of fog in this sub…
    We come to Dimitri, who does not look happy about having to do extra work. He goes to check the flooded water tank, or whatever, and uh oh! Sucks to be Dimitri!
    Save Dimitri! Save Dimitri! (Splash)
    Flush the tanks! Flush the tanks!
    Oh, this does not help my hydrophobia.
    And theme song. I’d love to fuck somebody to this song. I might have, actually…and we are back.
    Oh Mulder, doing a stake out, up to ya old antics again, with the sun flower seeds, and the smirking.
    I started eating more sunflower seeds, when I started watching The X Files when I was younger. I am a dweeb.
    Mulder zing in the sewer. Another zinger in the sewer.
    Hey, it’s the skinman! I wonder if Skinner just nailed the lady that left his office.
    I wonder if David Duchovny fucked that actress?
    Ah, the good old days, when Clinton’s picture was still hanging on the wall.
    Oh, you are fierce Fox Mulder, fierce! I wonder if Mitch and David ever fucked? I smell fan fiction (undoubtedly too late, out there somewhere on internet already).
    Speak up for the rest of the class, agent Mulder. Fuck you Fox, sincerely, Walter Skinner.
    Big glowing monument. Hey, look who decided to finally show up, it’s Dana! Hey Dana!
    Dana’s on a bench!
    Fox zing about sodomy. No Mulder, don’t leave the FBI!
    I’m sure Anderson and Duchovny fucked.
    And, we arrive at our first autopsy of the episode. One, and only, actually. Yummy. Hu hu, she said DP. Dana’s so hot when she’s autopsying. Removing the rib cage. Mmmm, i could go for some ribs. Okay, and there’s the tube worm, ew. Oh lord, it’s so gross. Pull that suckah!
    And we come to two sanitation workers. One of them goes into the shitty water, to fix something. I’m sure nothing bad will happen to this guy…
    Yo, you got bit, foo!
    Damn, forgot this guy doesn’t get killed off yet.
    I wonder if Duchovny did this actress who is playing the doctor? Probably.
    Aligators in the sewer, that old gem.
    I wonder if Mulder and the sanitation guy in the glasses fucked?

    There is a parasite in John Doe. Haha, huge cellphones. Oh, 90s!
    A strange call comes in to Mulder’s giant cell phone. Who could it be? (Mr. X)
    Back to Quantico. Close the door Mulder, you fucker!
    A fluke or flat worm ay, Scully? Fox zing, zing, zing. Sciency shit I don’t understand.
    Mulder is all, Scully, you a big mouth!
    And Scully is all, Mulder, you suck, no I’m not!
    Cut to sanitation worker, and his huge nasty bite. Yeah, that looks healthy, buddy…
    This scene grosses me out every time. Better out than in?
    I love the sewage king! Long live the sewage king!
    Charlie, slow down!
    Back flush that suckah!
    Old ass computer. We find out flukes are hermaphroditic. Scully is writing in a notebook, just like I did! Scully looks like she is gettin’ ready to go to a revival.
    Score=so good.
    Finally get a good look at the fluke man.

    So, they put that thing in a psych hospital?! What the fuck are they going to do with it there?!
    We find out tattoo is in cyrillic; it means Dimitri in Russian.
    Someone slips a weekly world news type rag under Scully’s door. Looks like Mulder and Scully do have a friend at the FBI.

    Ohhhhhhh, Mulder please don’t gooooooo!
    Uh oh, work evaluations are always rough, hang in there Fox. You tell him Mulder, you did have agents who could have handled a case like this! Ouch Skinman, you cold.
    (Sean has an intermission at 28:50 to eat a bowl of cereal)
    Glad I ate before seeing the fluke man again.
    The music got all intense!
    4940, you done fucked up! Shotgun pumped, any questions?! Yeah, will you live for longer than a minute? Looks like…nope.
    This scene is really effective, particularly the O.S. kill.

    Lake Betty Park 5:27 AM at the porto potties. I proposed to my wife…
    A and A? Asses and Anuses? Shit sucker, activated.
    Intense music is back. Bupkiss!
    Mr. Mulder, it is Mr. X, though this hasn’t been explained yet in the series.
    I’ll refrain about making a joke based on the depositing loads comments, difficult though it may be.
    Out to sea, oh crap! (pun intended)
    The intense music is back, but slower.

    I’m sorry Mr. Mulder, we just can’t find your contact lens.
    Sewage King and Mulder go to search the sewer, and stop fluke man from going out to sea. Sewage King is attacked by fluke man. Fight in the sewer with the fluke man and Mulder, fluke man is cut in half.
    I love the last scene of this episode, on the bench again. The paranoia is always the best part of The X Files.

    No means no Mr. Fluke Man; no means no.