Too Spoopy

Too Spoopy


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  • Random-Ass Interview: Autumn Christian

    Do you think we’ll ever reach the singularity?

    Duh. Where have you been?

    Favorite swear?

    Fuck. The word that powers the universe is Fuck. It is the perfect word – it is noun, verb, adjective, and adverb. The fucking fuck fucks fucks is a gramatically correct sentence. It touches the tip of the tongue like the power word of the gods reverberating through the whole mouth sending fissions down the throat and earthquakes made out of nerves down into the spine and stomach. It is the word for every occasion, event, and mood. It can be sexy. It can be angry and vulgar. It can be used both to celebrate, and to express displeasure. It can be used casually. It can be used to make people jolt out of their daydreams and pay attention. It is a word that is both shapeshifter, and indelible. It will leave its mark like a thumbprint inside your brain.

    If your dog’s could talk, what do you think they’d say?

    “For those who believe in God, most of the big questions are answered. But for those of us who can’t readily accept the God formula, the big answers don’t remain stone-written. We adjust to new conditions and discoveries. We are pliable. Love need not be a command nor faith a dictum. I am my own god. We are here to unlearn the teachings of the church, state, and our educational system. We are here to drink beer. We are here to kill war. We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us.”

    Who do you think would win in a fight, Bukowski or Poe?

    It depends on what age they’re fighting each other at. What most people don’t know about Poe is that he was quite the athlete in his youth – he swam 7 miles upstream of the James River when he was a teenager. Only later did he begin to suffer poor health from drinking and possibly diabetes or head trauma. Bukowski was a mean son of a bitch but I mean if I had to put money on it I’d have to go with Poe just because that lithograph of him with the wry smile looks like he’s probably killed a motherfucker before.

    Last cereal you ate?

    This is an unacceptable question and cereal is unacceptable.
Acceptable breakfast foods: breakfast tacos, breakfast bagels, fried eggs, hash browns, scrambled eggs on avocado toast, cinnamon buns, leftover birthday cake, beer, kratom tea, coffee and an omega 3 pill, jelly-filled doughnuts, a ham sandwich.

    You’re working on a novel right?


    You ever seen that video of the like floating pants cryptid?

Are you talking about the Fresno alien? I just typed it into google. Now I’ve seen the video. It just looks like someone walking around while wearing pants.

    On average, how many Red Bull do you drink a day?

    I’m down to one or two Red bulls a day. I didn’t start drinking Red Bull until I met up with Robert (my current boyfriend) in Austin and we drank Red Bull in his car one night while talking about Bigfoot. When I went back home in Seattle I drank Red Bull just because the taste reminded me of him and I’m a hopeless romantic. Then a month or so later we were reunited and every time I drink Red Bull I’m reminded of how much I love him. So really what I’m trying to say is that Red Bull taught me about the love between a man and a woman.

    What’s the longest you’ve ever played a game, as in hours logged?

    Around 19 hours I think, but I rarely log that much anymore. Yes I’m a filthy casual, I know people who have stayed up playing for days. In an attempt to be health conscientious the game I was playing, Lineage 2, decided to post an update every hour that you were logged in and reminded you that you should probably take a break because you’ve been playing X amount of hours. Most of the people I played with just laughed at this warning message and took it as a point of pride to keep score for how long they’d been playing.

    Do you think loggers have a lot of shitty jokes about wood?

    It’s possible, but I imagine most loggers want to distract themselves from their day jobs when they’re out having fun.

    Where does love go when it dies?

    Okay, it’d take me a book to explain this but let me try to condense it down into a paragraph: Love isn’t just an emotion. It’s the byproduct of what powers a universe that seems to have a propensity toward creation. When we love it’s because in us is an appreciation of what powers the universe and what exists around and inside of us. Love cannot die – it can only change shape and form and when we no longer feel love it doesn’t mean the love no longer exists.

    You like cartoons?

    No. I only watch live-action movies about serious things.

    Three wolf moon is in the running for best t-shirt, in my humble opinion. Do you think there are better t-shirts?

I actually own a three wolf moon t-shirt and it glows in the dark. If there are better t-shirts I haven’t seen them – the three wolf moon conveys a primal power and raw courage that is rarely seen in lesser t-shirts. The three wolf moon wearer is instantly marked as an alpha by their peers. The brazenness required to wear a three wolf moon t-shirt

    Is Autumn Christian your real name? If you were to use a pseudonym, what type of name you think you’d use?

    FOR THE LAST TIME AUTUMN CHRISTIAN IS MY REAL NAME. It’s on my birth certificate and everything.

    I’ve used a pseudonym before when I was writing SEO stuff. I went by something like April Lee because I thought it sounded bland and immediately forgettable. Another contender is Winter Heathen.

    If I was a robot, would you really know?

    I try not to pry into people’s personal lives.

    You ever drank a 40?

    No, why would you even ask that question? Do I have the demeanor of someone who would willfully let a 40 touch my lips, with its awkwardly large size? I only drink beer that has been made by blind monks and poured over a playboy model’s gracefully aging nude body and blessed by a forked-tongue gnostic Christian. And no IPAs.

    I mean, obviously. Of course I’ve drank a 40 before.

    Favorite paint color?

    It’s a toss up between Gray Owl, Clouded Vision Gray, Cape Cod Gray, Whispering Waterfall Gray, Granite Gray, Drizzling Mist Gray, Plumett Gray, and Web Gray.

    Khakis or jeans?

    Jeans because they have a long history of being the clothing of the working class. Khakis were first worn by the British military. It seems like the choice is obvious here. But if I’m being honest I usually wear jeggings (A cross between jeans and a legging) because I want my pants to be as skin tight as possible so I can show off my ass. My physical therapist the other day told me I had strong glute muscles so you know, I’m pretty sure he was hitting on me.

    Thanks for taking part. Got any plugs?

    I think you’d really enjoy this claymation horror short:

    I also have books and a website:

    Autumn Christian Site

    Autumn Christian Amazon