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  • Tag Archives The X Files
  • Random-Ass Interview: Laird Barron

    laird-barron-photo-photo-courtesy-of-jd-busch

    photo courtesy of JD Busch

    I’ve always been a fan of finding out about the creator behind the creations. Most of my favorite writers seem like people I’d love to read about, even if they didn’t write compelling stories. King, Barker, Crichton, Ketchum, Oates, and look, these are just the ones off the top of my head.
    The thing about Laird Barron is, he’s one of those writer’s who makes you want to write. Barron is one of those people that makes you want to create, and that goes out of his way to spread the word about other writers, and influences on his work.
    A lot of people may mistakenly assume what I’m talking about when I say “people I’d love to read about,” in reference to Barron means I’m talking about his years of dog racing, or the growing up in Alaska part. And here’s where I spill the beans: yeah, that’s certainly intriguing, but I don’t mean that. Oh, of course, when I first heard about his upbringing, his history, I read up on it. But, this research was in the same way I’d read up about any writer. I like to learn what people have done, what has informed their art.
    What I mean, specifically, is when you hear the man in an interview, he seems like a cool person, a good dude. He seems like a man who doesn’t let his reputation go to his head. And make no fucking mistake, Barron will soon be an even larger looming shadow over the horizon, being the genre giant he is.
    But fuck all the genre stuff. Fuck all the stuff about how he combines genres, and cross-blends, and how he has this sensibility, and how this, and that, and on, and on. No, I say, let’s strip all the genre bullshit for right now, and look at Laird Barron as a writer.
    Simply put, Laird Barron is an incredible writer, and it doesn’t matter worth a damn what he chooses to write about. He has a quality about his work, where you can pick any page at random, and usually find something wonderfully poetic, or frightening, or funny. The point is, the man can move you, and what more could you ask for in a writer?
    So, of course, I chose to ask him about swears,
    Hello Kitty, and made terrible Old Leech puns.

    Have you always considered yourself very science-minded, or is it something you have to work at for your stories?

    I’m an abstract thinker. Nuts and bolts, granular science frustrates me. The big stuff, where it transcends math and morphs into conceptual fantasy, is more my speed. I’m less interested in cold facts and more so in potentiality.

    Favorite pizza topping?

    Ground beef.

    Skis or a snowboard?

    Skis. I’m no good on either, but skis appeal to my sense of tradition.

    McCarthyvsDickey

    When each was in their primes, who do you think would win in a fight, Cormac McCarthy, or James Dickey?

    Two of my favorite writers. Both gave a lot of thought to violence. Dickey was a big, mean guy. His cameo in Deliverance? Holy shit. Menacing. Look at those enormous murderer’s hands. He’d be difficult. But maybe, maybe they’d belt some tequila and hold each other close to a Hank Williams song.

    Favorite Bond?

    Connery. Accept no substitutes.

    Favorite songs?

    “Don’t Fear the Reaper,” Blue Oyster Cult; “Buenos Tardes, Amigo” Ween; “Big Iron” Marty Robbins; “Sixteen Tons” Tennessee Ernie Ford; “Ruby” Roger Miller

    Favorite Bond songs?

    “Live and Let Die,” and “Nobody Does It Better”

    What if your doppelgänger was actually you from the future? What does that even, like, mean, man?

    Past selves are actually doubles of your future selves.

    If dogs could talk, what do you think they’d say?

    Nothing. They know too much. We’d be forced to silence them forever.

    goya saturn

    You seem to have a love of art? Goya, in particular. What drew you to art, and incorporating it into your stories?

    My mother was an artist. She had a lot of natural talent and I wish she’d been encouraged to cultivate it. Sometimes the trick in solving a problem is to look away and refocus— the answer is always there if you’re patient enough to reframe the question. Photography and painting, as examples, music would be another, distract my consciousness and permit my subconscious to do the heavy lifting.

    Would you be upset if I tried to get a campaign off the ground, which is essentially a series of rip-off Chuck Norris jokes, except with an emphasis on cosmic horror, with your name involved?

    No, but Chuck might be.

    Follow up: I heard Old Leech traveled to another dimension, after one time when you drank a bottle of expensive Scotch, and punched it in its slimy face, after it insulted your dancing abilities.
    Is this true?

    Old Leech would not insult my dancing abilities.

    Have you heard about the story in which the children of Cheech Marin have to smoke a lot of strange pot, and put on a rock show, to pay for their rent?
    It’s entitled “The Children of Old Cheech: Up in Ineffable Smoke.”

    Please send applicable royalties to my agent.

    Do you ever go to a gun range?

    No.

    Who do you think would win in a fight, Johnny Cope (from Hand of Glory) or Conrad Navarro (from The Light is the Darkness)?

    Navarro is an immortal. Lacking divine intervention or some supernatural edge from the Corning Sisters, Cope would be up Shit Creek if it came to blows. On the other hand, Jessica Mace would find a way to destroy both of them.

    You ever watched The X-Files? It occurred to me the other day most of that show was filmed in the woods of the Pacific Northwest. Vancouver, specifically.

    I enjoyed “The X-Files,” particularly the monster-of-the-week episodes. One of those shows that isn’t very good (and the writers had no problem ripping off source material), yet succeeds due to a miraculous chemistry between the leads and to a lesser extent the supporting cast. It’s a classic.

    You ever thought about writing a fantasy novel at some point down the road?

    I trunked a grimdark fantasy novel sixteen years ago. Fantasy is an appealing genre. It is the mother of science fiction and horror and it kept me alive as a kid. I’ve begun working on a weird, fantastical alternate Earth. Paula Guran recently acquired a short story from that setting. I plan to write more. If these are well-received I’d like to take a swing at writing a novel based on characters and places in that universe.

    Would you ever put poems into a short story collection, and or release a collection of poetry?

    Comedy is hard. So is poetry. No to mixing poems into a short story collection. I’d need to get better at poetry before contemplating a book of them. I love the discipline and years ago wrote a significant number of poems. It improved my prose and sharpened how I think about prose.

    How do I know you aren’t in cahoots with your doppelgänger, and he isn’t actually answering this right now? In fact, how do I know he doesn’t handle all of your public appearance stuff?

    I might be the doppelganger’s doppelganger. It gets confusing for everyone.

    Do you believe in any cryptids, i.e. The Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot, etc.?

    I’m skeptical regarding Bigfoot and Nessie. Deep sea cryptids and cryptids purported to dwell in jungle regions seem more plausible. I’m open to the notion of interdimensional entities— ghosts, or what we call ghosts. Reality is a band on a radio dial. Sometimes there’s overlap.

    Would you ever think about owning land, so you could change your title to: Laird Barron, Land Baron?

    My name pretty much means that already. I’ll take some land, though. A farmhouse near the Catskills would do fine.

    Do you think people will figure out I just use random questions to pad out my interviews, amidst completely legitimate, in fact not random at all questions?

    It’s more a question of whether they care.

    Better band, Foghat, or Styx?

    “Foghat,” all day.

    Favorite swear?

    When it comes to swearing I don’t play favorites.

    If you could be any monster, which would you be?

    A doppelganger.

    Wait, does that mean… uh, nevermind.

    Have you ever thought about writing a Western novel, with no horror or science fiction elements?

    I’ve considered writing in many genres. My grandfather was a failed novelist. Westerns were his favorite. If I do it, and I just might, it would be a sprawling epic in the spirit of Leone and Peckinpah, full of bloody revenge, heaving bosoms, and men who love gold and horses and guns and come to bad ends. And there’d be something fucking weird going on in the periphery. Sorry.

    Hello Kitty, or Teletubbies?

    Hello, Kitty.

    Why are most post it notes yellow? Is it because they’re easier to find? Or, because usually, you write completely mad things on them, and yellow is the color of madness.

    Post it notes originally came in pink, blue, and green. Yellow post-it notes were discovered bundled in variety packs several years later. No one knows the exact details of the yellow post-it note’s provenance. A detective specializing in industrial security reported that a miss-filed USPS pickup address matched an abandoned corporate office complex of Gale Research in Florida. The detective’s voluminous report was recorded on several hundred yellow post-it notes stuck to every available interior surface of a rusted out Airstream trailer. The detective is unavailable for comment.

    Damn. That’s heavy.

    You ever want to be in a rock band? I know I did/ still want to.

    No, that’s never been on my wish list.

    How the Hell do you write for twelve hours a day? Do you do breaks every couple of hours or so? Break down a twelve-hour writing day for us?

    Five or six hours a day goes into fiction. The rest is non-fiction and editing. It’s every day, week after week, month after month. Bukowski said to let it kill me, so I did.
    Maybe it’s best to frame my life (and I don’t separate writing from life) this way: You move somewhere remote and primitive. Every day, you look out your window and there’s a mountain. In the winter it has a snow cover. In the summer it doesn’t. The mountain is always there and after a while you become accustomed to its presence. After a longer while, you accept its presence. Sometimes a visitor will say, “My god! Look at that mountain!” And you won’t know what the fuck they are talking about for a second.

    Your blog has a lot of great advice for writers. Do you think the best advice for a writer is simply to write, and ultimately to do what works for each writer individually?

    Prescriptive advice may be fatal if swallowed. Best practices? Read widely, read critically. Everybody always lists the dead white guy gallery of literary inspiration. Take a look at what people are doing right now—Stephen Graham Jones, Livia Llewellyn, John Langan, Paul Tremblay, Jeff VanderMeer, Sofia Samatar, S.P Miskowski, Usman Malik, David Nickle, Victor LaValle, Kelly Link, Anna Tambour, Adam Nevill, Gemma Files, and Ian Rogers. And on and on.

    Write. Train your subconscious to provide material. You train it by feeding it and heeding even the craziest ideas that surface. Always be writing, even when you’re not. The youth I wasted makes me a better writer today. The hours you spend living and not bolted to a desk are important. Toughen up. If you’re serious, you’ll never be tough enough. Toughen up anyhow.

    Possibly, there are shortcuts to getting published. There isn’t a shortcut to writing anything worth a damn.

    Thanks for agreeing to do this interview. Anything coming out soon you want to plug, and or your doppelgänger wants to plug?

    My next collection, “Swift to Chase,” will appear in mid to late 2016. This one is largely set in Alaska. In addition to stories of ultra-ghouls, genius loci vampires, Black Dogs, and black magicians and their retinues of flat affect psychopaths, it gathers several tales in the Jessica Mace saga, including an original slasher novella about her parents during their senior year in high school. Meanwhile, keep an eye out over the next year for around seventeen new stories in anthologies such as “Licence Expired: The Unauthorized James Bond”; “Autumn Cthulhu”; “I Am the Abyss”; “The Gods of H.P. Lovecraft,” and “Seize the Night.”


  • Random-Ass Interview: Stephen Graham Jones

    creepySGJ

    I’d love to be able to tell all of you I’ve read a huge amount of Stephen Graham Jones’ work. In the past, I might not have decided to interview an author whose work I haven’t read a lot of. But, see, sometimes all it takes is one story. I read this man’s story “The Darkest Part.” The story, which is ostensibly about a killer clown, is filled with such brilliant nightmare imagery, and out of all the stories in Ellen Datlow’s “Nightmare Carnival,” it is my favorite, and creeped me out the most.
    So, I tracked down SGJ, and asked him about soda, and movies. I snuck in some questions about the definition of horror fiction, too.
    Look, I made it a random format interview, I have to stick with it.
    Stephen’s collection After the People Lights Have Gone Off is currently available via amazon, and really, just google it, it’s all over.

    What’s your favorite episode of “The X-Files”?

    “Jose Chung’s From Outer Space,” easy. That’s the best 44:50 of television I’ve ever seen, really, and, of everything I’ve read and watched, it’s probably had the most influence. It’s a story that’s having fun with character, with form, and it’s still dipping from the well of the fantastic—and, most important, it’s got heart, it’s not afraid to be sentimental. I need to go watch it again now. I carry it on my phone at all times, in case.

    How would you define a horror story? Or, alternately, can everything be a horror story, if seen from the right angle?

    In bear-terms, which is how I try to understand most things, a horror story is “We fought the bear, and we either won or lost.” An up or down ending doesn’t make any difference, though I far prefer the up-endings, where there’s hope, rebirth, all that. To understand my bear-models, I would say that weird fiction, say, it’s more like “We couldn’t help it, we poked the bear, and then it stood ALL the way up and we had to try to comprehend it with our puny minds, and now we’ve got to back to our normal lives and try to live with the knowledge that this bear exists, and that we’re so small and insignificant.”

    Coke, or Pepsi?

    Pepsi all the way. Coke leaves my mouth hot, makes it hurt. I’ll only drink a Coke if I really, really need some caffiene. And then I’ll immediately regret it. And, I talked to someone recently who had been a nurse in a psychiatric center where some chemist or something for Coke was for a while, and she told me that he kept yelling about how cinnamon was the only difference between the two. I think. I wasn’t really listening as well as I should have, was writing a story in my head. And she could have been lying, too. No clue what city I was in for this, but it’s only been a couple of months.

    Your story from “Nightmare Carnival” fucked me up. You seem like a man who doesn’t like clowns. How do you feel about clowns, and have you ever had any nightmares about them?

    Clowns have never bothered me. I mean, unless they’ve got silver eyes, of course. Never had any clown nightmares, though. Most of my nightmares, they’re me moving through a crowd, and I’m not really in my right mind, I can’t feel my body, am just putting one foot in front of another, and the voices and lights are all smeary. Makes my heart beat hard, just thinking about that again. I hate it.

    Vinnie Jones or Tom Jones?

    I guess Tom? I don’t know who Vinnie Jones is.

    Favorite swear?

    I don’t cuss. If I’m reading something with profanity in it, and I have to say whatever word’s there, I always have a hard time not giggling when I say it.

    If you could be any monster, which kind would you be?

    Werewolf. When I was twelve, I did all the tricks the books said would get me there, too. Didn’t seem to work, though. Yet.

    Your style seems to be quite concise. Did it take you a while to learn your voice? Was there, for instance, a time when you longed to be more verbose, and ethereal?

    I used to want to be able to write like Kurt Vonnegut. But he’s way concise, and finally I figured I couldn’t be Vonnegut. Only person I’ve read who’s even close to Vonnegut—in delivery, tone, something—is Carlton Mellick III. Dude can write.

    Graham crackers, or Teddy Grahams?

    Crackers. Them and fishsticks are like eighty percent of my childhood.

    Do you have any writing rituals?

    Nope. Rituals are just a way to give yourself excuses to not write. “I don’t have this hat,” “I can’t do candles in the airport,” “the neighbors are too loud,” all that. Writing’s not something the world allows you to do. It’s something you can’t help doing. You shouldn’t have to trick yourself into it.

    What kind of music do you listen to when you write, or do you not listen to anything at all?

    Always listen. Right now, this instant, it’s Elton John and and Kiki Dee, “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart.” But this isn’t really fiction writing. Earlier I was working on a novel. Think it was Dire Straits? But, it’s usually Bonnie Tyler or Skid Row or Don Williams—just all over the place, really. With a lot of Footloose and Motley Crue. But I always come back to country. Country’s what I cut my teeth on. It’s where my heart mostly is.

    Beer or liquor, or neither?

    Definitely not beer. Not much of a drinker, really. I mean, I can nurse a glass of wine if the situation insists. But it’s not pleasant. I have to close off a big part of my mind, then chant in my head that you can do this, you can do this. And, I’ve tried people’s ridiculous-expensive bourbon and all that, and can’t seem to understand the draw. Problem is, really? I like to write when I get home. And I care about fiction too much to allow myself to do it with anything messing my head up. My head’s plenty messed up already. Also, when I was in seventh grade one of my coaches, who was legit-crazy, he said if any of us ever drank and drove and hurt his family, he would come in through our windows at night and hold our arms down with his knees and cut out throats very, very slowly, staring into our eyes the whole time. And then he showed us the knife he’d do it with. So, I’m still pretty nervous about that. Anytime I’ve got car keys on me, I won’t even consider that glass of wine. I’ll sleep on the sidewalk before I’ll get behind the wheel with even a sip of alcohol in me. I want my throat to stay closed, I mean.

    If you could eat dinner with anyone either alive or dead, who would it be?

    I’d like to grab a burrito with Kevin Williamson in 1994, or whenever he wrote Scary Movie. Dude was firing on all cylinders. Some of the sparks, they’d cross the table, I suspect. Maybe burn me up, but it’d be worth it.

    If there’s a definitive difference between weird fiction and horror, is there such a thing as weird horror fiction, that would not be considered part of the bizarro genre?

    Definitely a difference between horror and the weird. See the bears explanation, earlier. But, yeah, there’s weird that draws more from horror than from fantasy or science fiction, definitely. Really, a lot of the time? When you accidentally make your horror-monster too unbeatable, the horror story you’re trying to write can slowly shift into weird fiction territory.

    Would you consider yourself a fast or slow writer?

    Fast.

    Does Joyce Carol Oates sort of scare you? I feel like you don’t wanna fuck with Joyce Carol Oates.

    I’d be more nervous around Neal Stephenson, I think.

    Do you have any advice for new writers?

    Read outside your chosen area. Write stories you don’t think you can write. Don’t pin all your hopes on one piece. Always be writing something new.

    How many movies do you watch a week?

    Two, three? This week I think I’ve watched the second Paul Blart, which I loved, want to buy, and . . . and it’s only Tuesday. About to go see the new Terminator at the theater. So that’ll be two. I’d guess I’ll watch one more before the week’s through. Probably something werewolf. I just watched Dog Soldiers, but I’m kind of wanting to watch it again. And there’s that new Simon Pegg action-movie thing at Redbox.

    Favorite animal?

    Thylacine. I get really sad every time it hits me that I’m probably never going to see one.

    Do you have anything special you do when creating a character outside of simply writing your story?

    It’s just diguise, disguise, camoflouge. Because they’re all me, more or less.

    Thank you for taking part in the interview. Do you have anything you’d like to mention coming out soon, or any final words you like to impart?

    Got my werewolf novel Mongrels out in May from William Morrow. Very excited about that. I feel like I’ve been kind of a fractured writer for a while, but Mongrels brings it all together for me. Next stories are out in . . . let me think: Ellen Datlow’s The Monstrous and Josh Viola’s Nightmares Unhinged and Ann Vandermeers The Bestiary. All horror. What else is there?


  • The ADD Horror Fan: That’s Life

    For some reason the Sinatra song that’s life just popped into my head.

    There’s a lot zooming around in the noggin’, and no linear thought patterns to keep them from assaulting my mouth region.

    I’m moving to a condo soon. It’s an exciting if not exhausting process. Painting the place now, and will be moved in with the lady love by March 1st.

    Been reading John Dies at the End. I started the book after I saw the film a month ago, and loved it. JDATE is great. Talk about like minds. David Wong seems to have the ADD too. I’ll probably go straight from JDATE to This Book is Full of Spiders: Seriously Dude Don’t Touch it.

    I read an interview with Wong, and I credit it with getting me back into working on my first book. He talked about not sitting on a book, but getting feedback on the work. Specifically he said to release it on the internet, but an editor I’ve found said not to until its found a home. Been sending it out to friends for feedback though. Let’s face it, for the past few years I’ve also sent it to total strangers. I just think it’s funny.

    I definitely have a deranged sense of humor.

    Even in its early stages I feel like it’s still entertaining, and you get a good sense of the book.

    So I found an editor, and am accumulating the funds right now to have it edited. This of course is so I can release it. I’ve been putting it off for so long. So, expect a release sometime in 2026.

    I’ve developed an unhealthy addiction to the show Supernatural now that it’s on Netflix instant. I used to make fun of the show before I’d watched it. I’d hear them talk about watching it on Dinner For Fiends, and would think, “who would watch that lame ass show?” So color me a hypocrite, I was wrong. It’s amazingly entertaining. Think of a dumbed down X-Files starring ex-soap opera actors who look like male models.

    I plan to start toying with more audio recording stuff in an attempt to record my very first Ruination with my own monotone, mumbly voice! Get pumped! Haven’t decided what to ruin yet.

    I used Skype for the first time the other day. If anyone wants to Skype with me hit me up via personal messaging on Facebook.

    Had a story called In Sickness and in Health published in a web magazine called Surreal Grotesque. They’d already published my story Casual Sex much to my amazement. Casual Sex is easily my most fucked up short story.
    I’ve heard I might have Casual Sex put into a best of collection by the editor of Surr G. Oh Daniel William Gonzales, you’re too good to me. (April 10th, 2013: It was put in the best of Surreal Grotesque! Aliens, Sex & Sociopaths

    Plan to do an article about three scary stories with boxes for Women in Horror Month! Kidding, not that kind of box…the regular kind.

    Speaking of, look for my third In Honor of Women in Horror Month Screwed up Screenshots to be up soon. (March 4th, 2013: So I goofed, and forgot to post one. Look for one next year!) And wait for the drama to follow. I have two female sets of friends both pro and anti Women in Horror Month, so it should be entertaining once it goes live!

    I’m off to listen to the new Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds. Just watched the uncensored video for Jubilee Street. Ray Winstone stars in it. Check it out. Later sickos.


  • Random-Ass Interview: Jennifer Cooper

    You can find Jen Musing away at Musings of a Morleysaurus or on Cooper’s Twitter or Jennifer Cooper’s Facebook.

    If a random person interviews an equally random person, does that mean the interview will be normal, because the two randoms will cancel out the randomness?

    Well, I guess it truly depends on just how random said random people actually were. Take me and you for example, we’re not just random, we’re off the fucking chart…henceforth, unlike when you walk over 3 drains and then have to run back over them to cancel it out, otherwise you will ruin your love life…there ain’t no amount of back crossing and escapaaay’ing the sheer utter randomness of us two randoms! Ya dig me pigmy? Although you are not a pigmy…you’re pretty tall right?(I’m average height, bout 6 feet, for the record.)

    If your boobs were to come to life, which one would you say would be more evil, the right one or the left one?

    I’d say the right one, the right ones all about the brains. Lefty is more sheer braun! For example, Miss Right is more likely to order Lefty to suffocate you to death. All whilst she just hovered there thinking ‘yeah bitch, I’m in control yo!’ 😉

    What’s the strangest Scottish saying that you can think of?

    I don’t know about saying, but I like the word bampot! Bampot is a good word! I remember having completely forgot about the word, and then I was home from Uni and round at my auntie’s for a New Year’s party or something. Anyhoo, I remember my auntie Linda calling someone a bampot and thinking, huzzah! I had completely forgotten about the existence of ye olde bampot! For example, I could use it in the sentence – “Bahnick, you’re such a bampot!” Ha!

    If you could resurrect anyone to have a dinner with, who would it be?

    Jeffrey Dahmer. I think he’d be a nice dinner guest. We’d eat mushroom risotto and pumpkin pie. What a jolly old evening it would be! And then we would dance in the moonlight. You could do that with Jeff…you didn’t need to worry about wearing some icky body suit that would be all grosse and stick to you and shit! That was more the traits of mummy’s boys that it was!

    If you could be any monster, what kind would you be?

    Jenpira, Mistress of the Dark! Or the lovechild of Jason Voorhees and Angela Baker! Obviously this would work when Jason gets resurrected for like the billionth time and is injected with frog DNA, you know, the one they use in Jurassic Park so they have to go out into the park and look up all the dinosaurs skirts! Because of this froggy DNA, Jason now has girl hormones so when she man Angela bums him with her giant choad, Jason gets pregnant and gives birth to this beautiful, freaky deaky little mutant MOI! 🙂 But what would they name me…hmmmmm??

    If you got in a terrible car crash, and the only way to stay alive was to have more than half of your body replaced with machines, would you? I guess I’m asking, would you be a Jenbot?

    Oooh, so I’d kind of be like Inspector Gadget? I could be all like, GO GO GADGET ARMS!!! Yeeeah! I could be digging that! Whenever I say ‘go go gadget arms’ at the moment, it doesn’t really have the same effect, haha.

    Favorite band that sings about stupid shit?

    Macabre. Definitely Macabre. Although they don’t technically sing about stupid shit, they sing about AWESOME shit! Haha. All their songs are about serial killers, they’re ace. They’re a total death metal band who are shit hot. They have a whole album about Jeffrey Dahmer, it’s ace!

    If your rabbit killed a man, would you hide the body and act like it never happened?

    Of course! I’d make the little bastard help me dig the grave though! I could totally see him killing someone though, hell, have you seen the scar on my face after he mauled me last week!?! Admittedly that was my own fault. Moral of the story, don’t blow a raspberry on a bunny’s tummy when he’s lying on his back. Especially when said bunny looks like Hitler!


    Do you think there are such things as ghost animals?

    Oh most definitely. My last bunny, Flopadopasaurus is now in bunny heaven, roaming the place as Frankenflops! Hamish, my dog, he totally still sensed her when she became all ghostly. <3 Actually speaking of Hamish and ghosts, that adorable little Westie of mine has most definitely killed a few postmen in his time, I swear he has them buried all around my Parents back garden. Bit by bit. Favorite 80’s cartoon?

    Dungeons and Dragons. I totally wanted to be Hank. 😛 Ooh, or Sharky and George..the crime busters of the sea, doo doo doo doo doo dooooooo…

    Favorite serial killer?

    Jeffrey Dahmer! The beautiful, crazy man that he was. And he was crazy. Fuck you Milwaukee courts saying otherwise! Second favourite is Dennis Nielsen, the original Jeffrey Dahmer coincidentally. I like gay serial killers. You know, the lonely ones who just wanted someone to love them and stay with them. Such sad states of melancholy. Plus, seeing as how they wouldn’t kill me, I could be their best friend! *giggles*

    And here’s a thought, why is it that despite both speaking English, the American’s and the Brits have to spell certain words differently? Such as favourite! I hate spell check on things as well as it always comes up that I have misspelled these words…when I most definitely have not! It irk’eth me most greatly! (I have no idea Jen.)

    Are you in fact your favorite serial killer?

    Maybe in my own sick little head. Although see answer to question above…I’d want to be the best friend and partner in crime of my favourite serial killer/s.

    Favorite x Files episode?

    Seeing as how that is an impossible question to answer, (hell, I’d have an easier job sawing off my own foot, Dr Gordon style than answering that question!) I shall go with one of my favourite episodes. Irresistible. This is a gorgeous episode, and really quite an iconic one too. Donnie Pfaster, the character based on Jeffrey Dahmer, is one of the creepiest characters the X Files has ever known. This episode even mentions Jeff – “People wondered why it took them so long to catch this kid in Milwaukee. Thought someone should have noticed he was killing all those young boys. The truth is, no one ever believed it could happen.” It was also said to be the inspiration for Chris Carter’s spin off show, Millenium! In fact, if you want to read more of my ramblings on this you can check them out at my blog on the subject – Jen Rambles about X Files or Millenium er some shit

    If you woke up with a penis, what would be the first thing you would do? I mean attached to your body, no John Bobbit scenario.

    I’d hump my rabbit’s foot. See how he liked it! Haha. I’d then probably cut it off to see how well it pickled. Have you seen the movie Terror Firmer? It is beyond levels of genius! 😉 Nothing like a bit of pickled dick to warm your cockles!

    You are stranded on a deserted island. If you knew you could live through it, would you eat parts of your own body if you were unable to find food? Got the idea for this one from the Stephen King story Survivor Type.

    Would this really work, chopping off bits of yourself to eat and then poop out again. Surely that would make things worse. I mean, least if they’re still attached to you….*ponders*…although I guess, when you think of the body’s ‘fight or flight’ mechanism, your body will naturally dispose of anything it doesn’t need to survive anyway. So technically, this is kind of like controlled fight or flight…right?!! Yes I’m havering shite. Haha.

    The world is overrun by giant bunnies. Do you think you would be all right, given your years of bunny service?

    Oh hells yeah, just give me a brandy and call me Elwood P. Dowd. 🙂

    Have you ever actually slipped on a banana peel? I tried to one time, and it just wasn’t happening. It just got all smushed on my foot.

    You know, I’m not actually sure. I can’t remember if I actually did…or if I just did what you did….which is kind of retarded but totally sounds like something I’d do! Huminah!

    “I like to dissect girls. Did you know I’m utterly insane?”-American Psycho

    That’s not insane dahling, just a little dash of fun!

    What do you think of the phrase torture porn? It always makes me think of a snuff film, and rarely does the phrase remind me of the actual films that are usually catalogued as such.

    Ugh, the phrase torture porn pisses me right off! I mean when all this “torture porn” crap started, it was referring to films such as Saw and Hostel. Now I’m sorry but how the fuck, in any way, shape or form, is SAW torture porn!?! Is Jigsaw beating one off as he’s peering through his peep hole watching fatty boom batty being ripped to shreds by barbed wire?? Of course not! Saw, which is in fact one of my all time favourite horrors, it’s about teaching people the difference between right and wrong…in the most beautifully, wrongest of ways of ways of course. It’s a sensationalist word created by morons looking to pull in your hard core gore hounds. The thing is, most gore hounds I know, myself include, hate the phrase. It’s the kind of term that I can imagine teenage boys and the readers of shitty lad’s mags picking up on. You know, the kind who just want to see tits and blood, couldn’t care less about acting/plot/character, anything really. The kind who probably think Murder Set Pieces is a good film! *shudder* I fucking HATE that film! Biggest steaming pile of wanky turd I have ever witnessed!

    So Beetlejuice you have to say his name three times, and Candyman you have to say his name five times (five times Tupac, not three!). Did I have a question here…oh right, how many times would I have to say your name before you appeared in a mirror with a hook, or showed up to help me be a ghost?

    I dunno, three times is always a classic, plus say Morleysaurus, Morleysaurus, Morleysaurus. Three times does have a good ring to it!

    Is the Morleysaurus a carnivore?

    Hells to the mother fucking NO!!! Morleysaurus is most definitely a herbivore! And has been for a very long time. A herbivorous Hobbit! I’m a great lover of vegetables, especially mushrooms. And not those kinds either. I am crazy enough. And contrary to popular opinion, I do not take lots of drugs to make me the way I am…I am naturally just fruity! A Norman Normal Girl. Who loves pumpkins too. I am so jealous of you Yanks and all your pumpkin goodness. This country sucks when it comes to lots of pumpkin nom nom nommmms. Haven’t even SEEN a pumpkin yet this year! I wants to eat them dammit!

    If a bat is basically a flying rat, how come I find rats cute, but bats scare me? If rats could fly, would I be scared of them as well?

    It’s the wings. It’s the fact that bats can flap round your face and get in the way. Plus, you probably think “rabies…rabies”, you know, like Steph in The Goonies when they move the rock. Haha. Or you just read too many Batman comics as a child and not enough Ratman, lol!

    Favorite book, GO!

    The Hobbit.

    Favorite movie about an author, GO!

    Sylvia.

    Have you ever seen the movie Go?

    Hells yeah! Went to the cinema on my lonesome to see it. Think I was going through my Timothy Olyphant phase at the time. Which coincidentally is back with a bang, bang, bang…thanks to Justified! 🙂

    Do you think that dude from Inception was dreaming? Follow up, are we all in The Matrix right now?

    Nope! We got out man, we got out!

    Why is my site so shitty? Is it because I’m such a lazy piece of crap? (This is me fishing for compliments, the esteem, it is lows.)

    The esteem ist most filled with wank munchery! Yes, that is right. The words you speak right now are wank…and then you munch them. Your site on the other hand, awesome articles. Highly entertaining interviews, the one with Adam Barnick still makes me laugh when I think about it. So yeah, shut the fuck up and bathe in your own entertainment! (Thanks…I think?)

    You ever gone fishing? It’s usually very boring, but sometimes you catch a fish, and get to bash its brain in on a rock, and splice open its guts. Much like I do when people knock on my door trying to sell me stuff.

    I fear I’ve said too much. Um, so yeah, ever gone fishing?

    Haha. Have you ever read the book Getting Rid of Mister Kitchen by Charles Higson? If not, read it! Only one of his books have been made into a film and that was King of the Ants, again, amazing book. Stuart Gordon actually did the movie adaptation. Loads was changed from the book which I wasn’t particularly impressed with. I still enjoy and own the movie, I just think they should have stuck more to the original plot. Oh yeah, and country!

    Anyhoo, fishing. I remember going once with my Dad when I was very young. I didn’t catch a fish. Thankfully.

    Do you have the power like He-man? What the Hell was the female equivalent of He-man again, there was one I think… My first instinct is She-man, but that’d be a way different show.

    SHE-MAN, Princess of Powaaaaah! Oh yeah! That is how I sings it y’all!

    I wish I had the power. Actually no I don’t. I want telekinetic powers. That would be rad. Screw the She-Man powers!

    Dahmer worked in a chocolate factory? What is the worst job you’ve ever had? Do you think it’d be fun working in a chocolate factory? Can’t have been that great if Dahmer went on to kill people. Do you think if Dahmer had a super fun job, he might not have killed and fucked so many people?

    I know, he would have been better working in a morgue. I’ve always wanted to work in a morgue. I wonder if Dahmer would have killed so many people if he worked in a morgue and not a chocolate factory? I mean, least in a morgue, he’d have plenty of people to readily fornicate. And he wouldn’t even need to kill them as they would already be corpus mentus! Aaaaaand, least if he worked in a morgue, body parts lying around at work would be the in thing! Well most definitely so when compared to a head in his locker in the chocolate factory! How creepy would that be, you go to your locker and he hasn’t locked his and you open it by mistake to have this head staring back at you saying “herrooooooo!”? Genius!

    Getting off track though, haha…worst job?? There was this one summer that I worked in a book store. Now the job itself wasn’t so bad, it was the summer and the store. It was possibly the hottest summer on record. This was when I was living down in Plymouth in the south west of England, and it was hot. Like so fucking hot and stuffy that on the bus on the way to work I started to have what I thought was an asthma attack. I was then zoomed up to see my doctor for emergency breathing machine crap and it turned out I was having a panic attack. I am highly claustrophobic anyway and I think it was the lack of air, I freaked out and started hyperventilating. Which is why I confused it with an asthma attack. So anyhoohooo, the store I worked in had zero air conditioning and I had to wear a long sleeved top. It was horrific. And for that reason alone I label it worst job ever!

    When do you think they will invent a new strange cartoon? You know Ninja Turtles was 80’s, Pokemon was 90’s? When is the next utterly bizarre cartoon with a ridiculous title going to come out? I don’t count Adventure Time or Flapjack because the titles are relatively normal.

    I dunno. I mean when you think of it, what are the chances of us even seeing this cartoon? How early do you get up to watch cartoons on a Saturday morning nowadays? Haha. And Pokemon/Powerpuff Girls, that was such a student thing, at least for me. And ooh Dexter’s Lab, I love Dexter! And Hey, Arnold! None were as good as Pepper Ann though, I swear the Disney channel followed me around and then made a cartoon about me! Actually that was flatmates of mine who said that but still, it’s so true! And what the fuck is Adventure Time and Flapjack?

    If a bear shits in the woods, and then a tree falls and kills the bear, does that mean that all life is meaningless unless you have witnesses?

    No, it means don’t poop in the woods without covering your trail otherwise when a tree falls on you, you might land face down in your own poop! Grosse! Haha.

    If you could live forever, would you?

    *sings* “Who wants, to live…foreverrrrrrr?” God I love that song! Living forever though, I dunno, it would get pretty boring. Am I a vampire? Is it like that Angel episode Somnambulist with Jeremy Renner as Penn? That, I could live with! Hells yeah! And oh, FYI, I loved Jeremy Renner before all y’all bitches yo! If I lived forever, vampire or not, I would most definitely become a serial killer! There are way too many assholes on this planet and I know I’d end up getting sick of them and going all chop chop chop on their asses!

    Favorite nonsensical phrase?

    Most of the shit that comes out of my mouth is nonsensical. Ummm, I lke to say “get those little legs moving!” to my dog quite a lot, but that’s not nonsensical as he does actually have little legs. That is a quote though. A quote that Sean, if you don’t know it instantly, I am going to FedEx my bunny over you to kung fu bunny the crap out of your face, ha! Simples. (Had to google it, guess I’m in line for a Bunny Kung Fu attack.)

    Favorite swear?

    Cunt-rag. Great word. Everyone should slip a little cunt-rag into their day more often! Thank you and good day kind sir! 😉


  • RUINATION: The X-Files Episode “The Host”

    Howdy, and welcome to a brand new series of posts that are…well, I don’t know what the hell to call them. SPOILER ALERT: Every Ruination will contain spoilers. It will also contain various other strange-ness that vomits forth from my bizarre brain waves. Think MST3K, but by me, the ADD Horror fan extraordinaire. Essentially, I take notes during whatever I’m going to be ruining; they are whatever pops into my head. Half of the comments I wrote most likely don’t even make sense. Good. This is the ultimate in nonsensical. If you want, you can watch the episode, so you know what the hell I’m talking about. Remember, these are actual notes, but there is very little scene description. I’ll try to fill in the blanks where necessary. This is an experiment, which may fail. Let us begin…THE RUINATION.

    We start in the Atlantic Ocean, two miles off the coast of New Jersey. So, already off to a great fucking start. And now, we are in a submarine that must be owned by Argento. This sub is haunted, yo!
    Oh, what the fuck, who clogged the toilet again?
    Awful lot of fog in this sub…
    We come to Dimitri, who does not look happy about having to do extra work. He goes to check the flooded water tank, or whatever, and uh oh! Sucks to be Dimitri!
    Save Dimitri! Save Dimitri! (Splash)
    Flush the tanks! Flush the tanks!
    Oh, this does not help my hydrophobia.
    And theme song. I’d love to fuck somebody to this song. I might have, actually…and we are back.
    Oh Mulder, doing a stake out, up to ya old antics again, with the sun flower seeds, and the smirking.
    I started eating more sunflower seeds, when I started watching The X Files when I was younger. I am a dweeb.
    Mulder zing in the sewer. Another zinger in the sewer.
    Hey, it’s the skinman! I wonder if Skinner just nailed the lady that left his office.
    I wonder if David Duchovny fucked that actress?
    Ah, the good old days, when Clinton’s picture was still hanging on the wall.
    Oh, you are fierce Fox Mulder, fierce! I wonder if Mitch and David ever fucked? I smell fan fiction (undoubtedly too late, out there somewhere on internet already).
    Speak up for the rest of the class, agent Mulder. Fuck you Fox, sincerely, Walter Skinner.
    Big glowing monument. Hey, look who decided to finally show up, it’s Dana! Hey Dana!
    Dana’s on a bench!
    Fox zing about sodomy. No Mulder, don’t leave the FBI!
    I’m sure Anderson and Duchovny fucked.
    And, we arrive at our first autopsy of the episode. One, and only, actually. Yummy. Hu hu, she said DP. Dana’s so hot when she’s autopsying. Removing the rib cage. Mmmm, i could go for some ribs. Okay, and there’s the tube worm, ew. Oh lord, it’s so gross. Pull that suckah!
    And we come to two sanitation workers. One of them goes into the shitty water, to fix something. I’m sure nothing bad will happen to this guy…
    AHHHHHHH!!!
    Yo, you got bit, foo!
    Damn, forgot this guy doesn’t get killed off yet.
    I wonder if Duchovny did this actress who is playing the doctor? Probably.
    Aligators in the sewer, that old gem.
    I wonder if Mulder and the sanitation guy in the glasses fucked?

    There is a parasite in John Doe. Haha, huge cellphones. Oh, 90s!
    A strange call comes in to Mulder’s giant cell phone. Who could it be? (Mr. X)
    Back to Quantico. Close the door Mulder, you fucker!
    A fluke or flat worm ay, Scully? Fox zing, zing, zing. Sciency shit I don’t understand.
    Mulder is all, Scully, you a big mouth!
    And Scully is all, Mulder, you suck, no I’m not!
    Cut to sanitation worker, and his huge nasty bite. Yeah, that looks healthy, buddy…
    This scene grosses me out every time. Better out than in?
    I love the sewage king! Long live the sewage king!
    Charlie, slow down!
    Back flush that suckah!
    Old ass computer. We find out flukes are hermaphroditic. Scully is writing in a notebook, just like I did! Scully looks like she is gettin’ ready to go to a revival.
    Score=so good.
    Finally get a good look at the fluke man.

    So, they put that thing in a psych hospital?! What the fuck are they going to do with it there?!
    We find out tattoo is in cyrillic; it means Dimitri in Russian.
    Someone slips a weekly world news type rag under Scully’s door. Looks like Mulder and Scully do have a friend at the FBI.

    Ohhhhhhh, Mulder please don’t gooooooo!
    Uh oh, work evaluations are always rough, hang in there Fox. You tell him Mulder, you did have agents who could have handled a case like this! Ouch Skinman, you cold.
    (Sean has an intermission at 28:50 to eat a bowl of cereal)
    Glad I ate before seeing the fluke man again.
    The music got all intense!
    4940, you done fucked up! Shotgun pumped, any questions?! Yeah, will you live for longer than a minute? Looks like…nope.
    This scene is really effective, particularly the O.S. kill.

    Lake Betty Park 5:27 AM at the porto potties. I proposed to my wife…
    A and A? Asses and Anuses? Shit sucker, activated.
    Intense music is back. Bupkiss!
    Mr. Mulder, it is Mr. X, though this hasn’t been explained yet in the series.
    I’ll refrain about making a joke based on the depositing loads comments, difficult though it may be.
    Out to sea, oh crap! (pun intended)
    The intense music is back, but slower.

    I’m sorry Mr. Mulder, we just can’t find your contact lens.
    Sewage King and Mulder go to search the sewer, and stop fluke man from going out to sea. Sewage King is attacked by fluke man. Fight in the sewer with the fluke man and Mulder, fluke man is cut in half.
    I love the last scene of this episode, on the bench again. The paranoia is always the best part of The X Files.

    SUMMATION
    No means no Mr. Fluke Man; no means no.


  • The Walking Dead Episode 5…Kind of Sucked

    This is when its tough to be a reviewer, when you have an episode to cover that doesn’t leave much of an impression. The only interesting aspect in my mind about this, the fifth episode of The Walking Dead, was at the end when in random ass X Files fashion the group arrives at what I assume was the CDC building, and the door opens to a brilliant white flash of light.
    One of the latin families just kind of peaces out at the beginning of the episode, leaving the group primarily white, save for T-Dog, whose name I had to look up to even remember, as it is mentioned so infrequently. In the comic, the relationship between Rick and Tyreese seems very natural. So far, in the show, Rock and “T-Dog” (why didn’t you just name him G-Money, Jesus…) have little to no relationship. To his credit, Dickerson attempts to have T-Dog and Rick interact, but the chemistry just isn’t there. However, Shane is still alive at this point in the show, so I’ll give it a little more time before I start really ranting.
    All in all, this was just… a very forgettable episode, and it shouldn’t have been. Just goes to show that in the hands of a good director, we get amazing episodes like the pilot, and in the hands of the guy who brought us Bones(movie, not the show), we get episode five, a real snooze.


  • Horror Comics Run-down, Edge of Doom, The Stand, and The X Files: 30 Days of Night

    In an effort to have an annual thing to do, I’ve decided to try and do a horror comic post, at least once every two weeks. Possibly every week, if I can afford it, but I doubt I’ll be able to afford more then one or two every week, so it may work out to be bi-weekly.
    I’m not great with keeping up with comics, until they are in trade paperback form. So many seperate issues, so much memorization. My extracurricular lifestyle of happy juice and happier plants, often makes it hard for me to remember what number issue I’m on. That being said, I’ll give this my best damn shot, and try to keep up to date.


    First up is issue one of a new series written by Steve Niles and drawn by Kelley Jones entitled Edge of Doom.
    So far, it appears to be about a divorcee who has little demon people in his backyard, like only a few inches high little people. Think Gulliver’s Travels, but instead of tiny people, tiny demons. Promising so far.


    Issue four of The Stand, in the Hardcases arc, has a really creepy cover, as seen above, by Tomm Coker(fun last name) and Laura Martin. This arc in The Stand is written by Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa, with art by Mike Perkins. Being the extreme Stephen King dweeb that I am, I’ve read nearly everything the man has had made into comic format, and so far The Stand series has been great. Hardcases has been my favorite arc so far, because we get to see more of Flagg, and all the other badies that are under his black wings. This issue in particular deals with Harold, and the first comittee formed by the good folks under Mother Abigail. Not for nothing, but I have a hard time with this story, as I’m an agnostic, and I don’t strictly believe in the traditional God. Whatever though, I’ll believe in God for this story, as long as I keep getting more deliciously evil Flagg.


    The X Files: 30 Days of Night issue number 4 for December 2010(because somehow I went forwards in time I guess…)continues the story of the spooky one, and agent scully, as they try to uncover what is happening in the town of Wainwright, Alaska. It’s written by Steve Niles, a favorite of mine in terms of the subject matter he tends to write about, and was also written by Adam Jones, and the art was done by Tom Mandrake. I had to sit down and plow (no pun intended, but I’ll take it) through issues 1 through 3 to get up to date, and they’ve been a fun little ride so far. I recommend it for casual horror comic fans, and die hard X Files and 30 Days of Night fiends, the like.


  • Favorite X Files Episodes About Serial Killers, Season 5 through 9

    Here it is, part two of my favorite serial killer episodes from the X Files. Enjoy.
    Interesting side note, I stole the idea to call myself “Spooky,” from Agent Mulder’s nickname in The X-Files. We of the monotone, with obsession with the supernatural, need to stick together, after all. Although he isn’t real…or at least that’s what David Duchovny tells us.

    Season 5-Episode 8-Kitsunegari
    Modell aka Pusher is back and raring to make people kick the bucket. Or is he? A dynamic character back in action. Be careful not to listen. “He had to go.”

    Season 5-Episode 16-Mind’s Eye
    A blind woman, found at the scene of a murder with blood on her hands. In typical X Files fashion, nothing is as it first seems.

    Season 6-Episode 18-Milagro
    A writer kills with his mind. By the way, not all writers with a penchant for writing about killers, are in fact murderers themselves. I’ve never been in a fight, and I write about people dying horribly, all the time.

    Season 7-Episode 7-Orison
    The death fetishist is back. Hooray!

    Season 7-Episode 10-Sein Und Zeit
    Child murderers are especially creepy.

    Season 7-Episode 14-Theef
    A vodoo man kills with horrific diseases. Sign me up!

    Season 7-Episode 18-Brand X
    A man who can actually kill with his second-hand smoke. A certain actor from this episode went on to have some fame, playing a certain killer inside the Saw films, who likes puzzles.

    Season 8-Episode 7-Via Negativa
    The third eye killer.

    Season 8-Episode 8-Surekill
    An assassin who can see through things.

    Season 8-Episode 10-Badlaa
    Little Indian guy crawls in stomachs, and kills.

    Season 9-Episode 3-Daemonicus
    Killers with demon masks, and an insane asylum inmate, oh my.

    Season 9-Episode 8-Hellbound
    Even though it is kind of a Hellraiser rip off, I still enjoy it.

    Season 9-Episode 13-Improbable
    Man who kills by the numbers. Also, Burt Reynolds. This is kind of a silly one, but still fun.

    And that’s it for my list of favorite serial killer episodes of the X Files. I’m sure, in time, I’ll compile other X-Files lists, so if you’re a fan, stay tuned.