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Rapid Fire Reviews…GO!

Red(2010)-Thought it was kind of cheesy, nice to see Helen Mirren shooting people. On a side note, there are too many movies named Red.

Buried(2010)-Absolutely retarded, how can a man survive a fire inside his coffin, without the oxygen running out? Convoluted plot which is extremely preachy, and entirely unneccessary.

Monsters(2010)-Also very silly, with a forced romantic plot thrown in there for good measure. At least I got to see aliens do it? I’m not sure if the creatures were like kissing, or making out, or doing some kind of a sexual thing, I just don’t know. Dear movies, please stop having sex with monsters. Except for Dead Girl and every vampire movie ever, sex with monsters is just, well, really weird. It’s not shocking, it’s just weird, and I assume confusion is not the desired emotional response the film makers were going for. This includes you, Monsters. You hear me Monsters, I don’t know how to feel!

Conspiracy Theory with Jesse Ventura(nowish)-If you like conspiracy theories, then watch this fucker! Also, whether intentionally or not, it’s really funny watching a former wrestler stare down people at a variety of gates. The strangest part is that some of the stuff he comes up with is real. One of the episodes about FEMA camps was never aired, so it kind of makes you wonder, doesn’t it? He’s got no time to bleed!

True Grit(2010)-Bad ass Western, but what else would you expect from the Coen brothers.

House By The Edge of the Park(1980)-To paraphrase from South Park, you don’t shoot a guy in the dick!
This movie oozes sleaze from start to finish. Very rape heavy, but then it’s from the fucking guy who directed Cannibal Holocaust, so it’s about what I expected.

Strange Wilderness(2008)-It’s in no way a horror film, but neither was a lot of this list, so whatever, fuck you, it’s my damn list! It’s a Happy Madison Production, there are stoners and animals. It was fun, if not very formulaic.

Child’s Play(1988)-Such a creepy movie, particularly creepy for me because of my childhood fear of toys coming to life. Brad Dourif like a motherfucker!

Child’s Play 2(1990)-I actually feel bad for Chucky at the end of this movie. Sure, he kills people in brutal ways through out the film. But they rip off his arm, put him in a machine that rips off his legs, and then they pour hot glue on him. And after that they put an air hose in his mouth, ballooning up his little doll body until it explodes in a fountain of blood, and plastic. Fuck Chucky, I’m worried about those fucking foster kids. Hope I don’t run into them in a dark alley.

One Response to Rapid Fire Reviews…GO!

  1. All you need from Strange Wilderness: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GCpKp73kJtI

    Glad I missed Monsters, I guess. Got enough monstrous pseudo-bestiality from Splice, thanks.


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