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  • Category Archives RUINATION
  • RUINATION: Millenium episode “Pilot”

    It’s back, after…shit has it really been almost a year? Truth told, it’s because these things are a real bitch to write. Also, I am a master of procrastination. I’ve got all sorts of movies to review I haven’t bothered with, and the self publishing probably won’t actually begin until something absurd like 2014.
    So, to recap, here’s what these RUINATION posts are. I watch a show, and take notes. That’s it. It would probably be easier if you watched the episode, as otherwise you won’t know what I’m directly referencing. But, it’s not entirely necessary.
    In the mean time…
    Its time to ruin what I love.

    So right away, we have strippers. And Rob Zombie. But, it isn’t a Rob Zombie film. Thank Bejebus.
    These dancers are pretty jacked. I never noticed that when I watched this in 1996, at the tender age of… 12, holy fuck balls, I watched this at 12?!

    And here comes the crazy. And the NIN. This soundtrack is so 90s. Where are my huge baggy pants, my can of Surge, and my chili cheese fries from Flamers (are those still in malls?).
    Walls are bleeding again, great, now the clean up guy has to clean up blood, and splooge.
    Quick cuts of this blondie dancing in fire. Hawt. Ugh, such a creepy shot, this dude with just his weird, scarred face and mouth, talking about this woman in a lake of fire.


    Mom, I’d like you to meet my new boyfriend. Isn’t he dreamy?
    Well, I’m done with this, tune in next year when…kidding.
    The theme song to Millenium is great. Mark Snow, you done done it again.
    Who cares? Really, it’s so 90s.

    It’s Frank and fam in the car.
    Oh Frank, you had it painted. But why yellow Frank?
    Frank, can you come here. There’s something up here. It’s smooches. Got ya.
    This is sweet. Too bad I know where this episode takes a turn to.
    Howdy neighbor! Oh, Seattle, this is even more 90s now!
    Frank’s a consultor. He consults investigators, on where the rest of the body parts went. Oh, wrinkle face, I love ya.
    Hahaha, red sweater man, haha.
    And welcome to Seattle, where all is rain and misery. Where’s Soundgarden at?
    You’re the guy who caught the guy. You know, that guy!
    Yes, someone did want more than a peep. Someone wanted a peep show dancer, in Hell.
    Frank wants to see the body, reow.
    Okay, really, Henriksen says Frank wasn’t supposed to be psychic, but then, how the shit did he guess all these things about the murder victim, knowing nothing about the killer. This show wants me to think Frank is psychic. Sounds like a Chris Carter influence there.
    It’s really dark in this building.
    And we are back to Rob Zombie. Is that all they strip to NIN and Zombie?
    Okay, wait, Portishead? Kind of a big leap.
    Rectitude, big word. Weird way to question someone, at the peep show. I wonder, did he pay for this?
    French poetry for the peep show girls. Oh hoh hoh, wee wee, le dancing girl!
    Okay, so he sees them with they eyes sowed up. Interesting. Seems like a nice, well adjusted dude.

    Remind me not to party with ol’ hallucinating constipation face over here.
    This is the darkest show ever. Somehow darker than The X-Files. They must have lit this with a light off a swiss army knife.
    Yes, drag that body, you can do it.
    Now shove him in your plastic lined trunk. Very good! You’re doing it, all by yourself!
    It’s like the score is howling. Pretty unsettling.
    Back to the yella house.
    Frank, we found the body. We know how the dead turn you on so, so we figured you’d be the first we called.
    Police walkie-talkie chatter, more police walkie-talkie chatter.
    Decapitated, and set on fire? Talk about overkill.

    Aw, you went all the way there, and you don’t even want to see the body, Frankie?
    Man, it’s really effective when they do the quick cuts to Frank’s murder visions.
    Oh man, is this the buried coffin? This scene traumatized me so much.
    I should do a Traumafession on this.
    Oh, wait, false alarm, they find the full coffin buried later on, that’s right.
    18:27, we get our first mention of another guy from the Millenium group, named Watts. I love Watts. Frank mentions Millenium group earlier, but now we finally get to hear about it some more. Which would make sense, since the show isn’t just called Seattle Homicide Detective and Frank Black…the show. Frank Black is also the name of the lead singer of The Pixies. That is probably unrelated.
    His guys want to know why you here, Frank? Other than the fact that you masturbate over the dead.
    Back to the yella house. Parked his red Jeep, and hey, it’s Peter Watts.
    Now that’s a mustache.

    Victim may have scratched or bit the killer. Kinky.
    Yup, this is what a 12 year old lives to watch. Thank you Fox network in the 90s.
    Oh Frank’s wife, you nag. Nag nag nag.
    22 minutes in, and we finally get to see Frank’s office. And also, his hilariously outdated computer and TV. Ah, back in the time of VHS.
    Look Frank is taking notes, while I’m taking notes about Frank taking notes.
    Trippy.
    Cruising in the park needs to be stopped. As do killers who cruise the cruisers in the park. That movie Cruising with Al Pacino is funny.
    Cruising
    Chase scene in the dark woods. Now, it has led to the bridge. Cars smash. Frank runs over the cars.
    He jumped, off of the side. Yet somehow, he grabbed onto the bottom of the bridge. Hmm. Yeah, not at that angle, that’s not possible.
    Now, we have a pow wow with Frank and the rest of the force. Peste means plague. Something about Nostradamus.
    Now Frank is a teacher. The killer is confused about his sexuality. Starting to sound like Cruising again.
    So he becomes capability. Hmm. But how does he know exactly what the killer would see, unless he has prior knowledge of the man. He was having visions before he even learned about the killer. One heck of a guesser.
    Jebus, and now his daughter has a seizure. Someone needs some Xanax.
    Way to freak out your wife Frank. Just randomly go “he’s taking blood”, and then go “the killer, he’s got more bodies, buried alive.” Yup, pretty sure his wife is regretting her no secrets policy now.
    Oh goody, here comes one of the most traumatizing scenes from my childhood memories!
    Wow, so why can’t you just find a way around the river, Frank? Sheesh, I would hate Frank too if I was one of these cops he drags out at who knows what late hour to find a damn body. Yeah, just go through this freezing cold river, we don’t have time to go around! Pushy bastard.
    Oh man, the screams from the coffin are so bad. Those muffled screams, yikes.
    And then there’s this delightful nightmare fuel.

    Attention Kindertrauma, got a new post coming your way, haha.
    Oh man, I forgot about the severed head in there with him.

    Haha, if anything, it is even more disturbing than I remember!
    Oh, and there may be other people buried alive in coffins around this dude. They found two more, out in the same woods, but both were empty. And he was taking blood from the victims. No wonder you have so many wrinkles, Frank.
    Oh, and we find out Frank had a serial killer stalking his family, taking pictures of them (Poloroids, for those who remember those).
    And the funny part is, this sicko works in a blood lab.
    Jesus, when this dude knocks the body onto Frank and shouts “the thousand years is over!” and then tries to stab him, but hits the body instead.
    How did they ever get this on the air. Seriously?!
    This guy makes some of the dudes from my Favorite X-Files about Serial Killers list look positively bubbly!
    X-Files Killers
    And wacko gets shot by Detective Bob.
    Famous last words by killer…
    “You can’t stop it.”
    And we’re back to the yella house.
    Oh right, Frank bought a puppy. Who cares about sadistic, bible-thumping, sexually confused serial killers, that bury people alive with their eyes and mouths sown up, we have a puppy!
    And the pictures of his family are sent to Frank again. Poor Frank.

    SUMMATION:
    Have fun walking the streets after watching this one.


  • RUINATION: The X-Files Episode “The Host”

    Howdy, and welcome to a brand new series of posts that are…well, I don’t know what the hell to call them. SPOILER ALERT: Every Ruination will contain spoilers. It will also contain various other strange-ness that vomits forth from my bizarre brain waves. Think MST3K, but by me, the ADD Horror fan extraordinaire. Essentially, I take notes during whatever I’m going to be ruining; they are whatever pops into my head. Half of the comments I wrote most likely don’t even make sense. Good. This is the ultimate in nonsensical. If you want, you can watch the episode, so you know what the hell I’m talking about. Remember, these are actual notes, but there is very little scene description. I’ll try to fill in the blanks where necessary. This is an experiment, which may fail. Let us begin…THE RUINATION.

    We start in the Atlantic Ocean, two miles off the coast of New Jersey. So, already off to a great fucking start. And now, we are in a submarine that must be owned by Argento. This sub is haunted, yo!
    Oh, what the fuck, who clogged the toilet again?
    Awful lot of fog in this sub…
    We come to Dimitri, who does not look happy about having to do extra work. He goes to check the flooded water tank, or whatever, and uh oh! Sucks to be Dimitri!
    Save Dimitri! Save Dimitri! (Splash)
    Flush the tanks! Flush the tanks!
    Oh, this does not help my hydrophobia.
    And theme song. I’d love to fuck somebody to this song. I might have, actually…and we are back.
    Oh Mulder, doing a stake out, up to ya old antics again, with the sun flower seeds, and the smirking.
    I started eating more sunflower seeds, when I started watching The X Files when I was younger. I am a dweeb.
    Mulder zing in the sewer. Another zinger in the sewer.
    Hey, it’s the skinman! I wonder if Skinner just nailed the lady that left his office.
    I wonder if David Duchovny fucked that actress?
    Ah, the good old days, when Clinton’s picture was still hanging on the wall.
    Oh, you are fierce Fox Mulder, fierce! I wonder if Mitch and David ever fucked? I smell fan fiction (undoubtedly too late, out there somewhere on internet already).
    Speak up for the rest of the class, agent Mulder. Fuck you Fox, sincerely, Walter Skinner.
    Big glowing monument. Hey, look who decided to finally show up, it’s Dana! Hey Dana!
    Dana’s on a bench!
    Fox zing about sodomy. No Mulder, don’t leave the FBI!
    I’m sure Anderson and Duchovny fucked.
    And, we arrive at our first autopsy of the episode. One, and only, actually. Yummy. Hu hu, she said DP. Dana’s so hot when she’s autopsying. Removing the rib cage. Mmmm, i could go for some ribs. Okay, and there’s the tube worm, ew. Oh lord, it’s so gross. Pull that suckah!
    And we come to two sanitation workers. One of them goes into the shitty water, to fix something. I’m sure nothing bad will happen to this guy…
    AHHHHHHH!!!
    Yo, you got bit, foo!
    Damn, forgot this guy doesn’t get killed off yet.
    I wonder if Duchovny did this actress who is playing the doctor? Probably.
    Aligators in the sewer, that old gem.
    I wonder if Mulder and the sanitation guy in the glasses fucked?

    There is a parasite in John Doe. Haha, huge cellphones. Oh, 90s!
    A strange call comes in to Mulder’s giant cell phone. Who could it be? (Mr. X)
    Back to Quantico. Close the door Mulder, you fucker!
    A fluke or flat worm ay, Scully? Fox zing, zing, zing. Sciency shit I don’t understand.
    Mulder is all, Scully, you a big mouth!
    And Scully is all, Mulder, you suck, no I’m not!
    Cut to sanitation worker, and his huge nasty bite. Yeah, that looks healthy, buddy…
    This scene grosses me out every time. Better out than in?
    I love the sewage king! Long live the sewage king!
    Charlie, slow down!
    Back flush that suckah!
    Old ass computer. We find out flukes are hermaphroditic. Scully is writing in a notebook, just like I did! Scully looks like she is gettin’ ready to go to a revival.
    Score=so good.
    Finally get a good look at the fluke man.

    So, they put that thing in a psych hospital?! What the fuck are they going to do with it there?!
    We find out tattoo is in cyrillic; it means Dimitri in Russian.
    Someone slips a weekly world news type rag under Scully’s door. Looks like Mulder and Scully do have a friend at the FBI.

    Ohhhhhhh, Mulder please don’t gooooooo!
    Uh oh, work evaluations are always rough, hang in there Fox. You tell him Mulder, you did have agents who could have handled a case like this! Ouch Skinman, you cold.
    (Sean has an intermission at 28:50 to eat a bowl of cereal)
    Glad I ate before seeing the fluke man again.
    The music got all intense!
    4940, you done fucked up! Shotgun pumped, any questions?! Yeah, will you live for longer than a minute? Looks like…nope.
    This scene is really effective, particularly the O.S. kill.

    Lake Betty Park 5:27 AM at the porto potties. I proposed to my wife…
    A and A? Asses and Anuses? Shit sucker, activated.
    Intense music is back. Bupkiss!
    Mr. Mulder, it is Mr. X, though this hasn’t been explained yet in the series.
    I’ll refrain about making a joke based on the depositing loads comments, difficult though it may be.
    Out to sea, oh crap! (pun intended)
    The intense music is back, but slower.

    I’m sorry Mr. Mulder, we just can’t find your contact lens.
    Sewage King and Mulder go to search the sewer, and stop fluke man from going out to sea. Sewage King is attacked by fluke man. Fight in the sewer with the fluke man and Mulder, fluke man is cut in half.
    I love the last scene of this episode, on the bench again. The paranoia is always the best part of The X Files.

    SUMMATION
    No means no Mr. Fluke Man; no means no.